How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack: Defend Yourself When the Lawn Warriors Strike (And They Will)
- Downloads：9554
- Type：Epub+TxT+PDF+Mobi
- Create Date：2022-11-05 05:51:32
- Update Date：2025-09-06
- Status：finish
- Author：Chuck Sambuchino
- ISBN：158008463X
- Environment：PC/Android/iPhone/iPad/Kindle
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Summary
Move over zombies and adolescent vampires。
There’s a new threat in town—and it’s only twelve inches tall。 How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack is the only comprehensive survival guide that will help you prevent， prepare for， and ward off an imminent home invasion by the common garden gnome。 Once thought of as harmless yard decorations， evidence is mounting that these smiling lawn statues are poised and ready to wreck havoc。 The danger is real。 And it’s here。
Class 1 gnome-slayer and gnome defense expert Chuck Sambuchino has developed a proven system—Assess， Protect， Defend， Apply—for safeguarding property， possessions， and loved ones。 Strategies include step-by-step instructions for gnome-proofing the average dwelling， recognizing and interpreting the signs of a gathering hoard， and—in the event that a secured perimeter is breached—confronting and combating the attackers at close range。
There’s a new threat in town—and it’s only twelve inches tall。 How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack is the only comprehensive survival guide that will help you prevent， prepare for， and ward off an imminent home invasion by the common garden gnome。 Once thought of as harmless yard decorations， evidence is mounting that these smiling lawn statues are poised and ready to wreck havoc。 The danger is real。 And it’s here。
Class 1 gnome-slayer and gnome defense expert Chuck Sambuchino has developed a proven system—Assess， Protect， Defend， Apply—for safeguarding property， possessions， and loved ones。 Strategies include step-by-step instructions for gnome-proofing the average dwelling， recognizing and interpreting the signs of a gathering hoard， and—in the event that a secured perimeter is breached—confronting and combating the attackers at close range。
Reviews
Tracy
，
Fans of dark humor will revel in this slim “how to” survival guide。 With an analysis of the impetus behind the attacks of gnomes on humans， and how best to prepare， Sambuchino prepares readers with how to spot potential attacks， how to use what’s readily available like household implements for defense， and how to forever rid a house and home of nefarious gnomes。 Wonderful photos catching the little perps in action were some of my favorite parts。
Claudia
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Sometimes you need a supposedly silly book to read - - or is it really silly？ Sambuchino prepared the reader for the attack being plotted by the world travelers from Germany and have populated the gardens of America and other countries。 Maybe the garden gnomes want the readers to think that in order to lull them before the upcoming attack？ Maybe 😃 😃Along similar lines of the prepare for zombie attacks， it is mostly concerning gnomeproofing your exterior and interior， preparing your weapons and s Sometimes you need a supposedly silly book to read - - or is it really silly？ Sambuchino prepared the reader for the attack being plotted by the world travelers from Germany and have populated the gardens of America and other countries。 Maybe the garden gnomes want the readers to think that in order to lull them before the upcoming attack？ Maybe 😃 😃Along similar lines of the prepare for zombie attacks， it is mostly concerning gnomeproofing your exterior and interior， preparing your weapons and seeing what the gnomes could use and being observant regarding your environment。 Simple common sense。 Unless you don't believe that your garden gnomes could be plotting to remove you 。 。 。 and your family。 。 。 and the dog 。 。 。 It was fun and slightly disturbing。 2022-145 。。。more
Cathy
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We got this book for our teen as a joke， since gnomes have become more popularized。It wasn't nearly as funny as I thought it would be， and I could picture some of these preparations， if someone were silly enough to follow them， actually hurting children or pets。However， my teen wrote a script and made a "horror" video of a gnome attack for a homework assignment， so the book was enjoyed by its target audience。Some of the gnome pictures were cute。The right and wrong ways to open a mailbox were fun We got this book for our teen as a joke， since gnomes have become more popularized。It wasn't nearly as funny as I thought it would be， and I could picture some of these preparations， if someone were silly enough to follow them， actually hurting children or pets。However， my teen wrote a script and made a "horror" video of a gnome attack for a homework assignment， so the book was enjoyed by its target audience。Some of the gnome pictures were cute。The right and wrong ways to open a mailbox were funny。Several reviewers compared this book to one on how to survive a zombie apocalypse - and most of them liked this book more than I did， so I have to think that there are people more predisposed to liking this kind of humor than I am。 One reviewer complained about the dirty toenails in the picture of someone stepping on a gnome。 I have to admit， that picture was uncomfortable to me， too。 。。。more
Scott Cramer
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I'll write a review after I go purchase some hockey sticks and garden rakes。 :） I'll write a review after I go purchase some hockey sticks and garden rakes。 :） 。。。more
Jacquelyn
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Hilarious tongue-in-cheek guide to destroying the gnomes that want to murder you…because you know that they’re secretly out to get you。 My favorite part was all of the places you can take your gnome to dispose of it so it can never return， like the Mariana Trench。 This book kept me laughing with each new bit of advice。
Chucksambuchinoisarapist
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The author Chuck Sambuchino is currently being investigated in Wilmington OH for drugging and sexually assaulting a woman on 12/20/21
Allison
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Received as a Christmas gift。 I am a self-professed garden gnome aficionado， or "gnomeowner，" as the author puts it。 I firmly believe that this book is anti-gnomist propaganda。 Garden gnomes will only attack when provoked -- or when trained sufficiently。 Once I have finished amassing my army of garden gnome minions， you'll see。 You'll all see。（The best part of this book was the pictures。） Received as a Christmas gift。 I am a self-professed garden gnome aficionado， or "gnomeowner，" as the author puts it。 I firmly believe that this book is anti-gnomist propaganda。 Garden gnomes will only attack when provoked -- or when trained sufficiently。 Once I have finished amassing my army of garden gnome minions， you'll see。 You'll all see。（The best part of this book was the pictures。） 。。。more
Hali Davidson
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Very silly and offers up a good half-hour of delight。 Worth it just for the photos。
Emily
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It was fun and ridiculous。 It was much more violent that I expected， but there were some lines that did make me laugh out loud
Stephanie Tallon
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Boring。 I thought at least it would be slightly funny， but no such luck。 I gave 2 stars instead on 1 because some of the pictures were amusing。
Laura Battle
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The photos alone are worth the read。
Sarah
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A quick， funny read。 The most impressive part was how they managed to make gnomes look so darn threatening in the various photographs。
Nathan Miller
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You thought those cheesy little gnomes were just cute， harmless， garden ornaments， didn't you？ Well， you thought wrong！ Just when you thought it was safe to go back to weeding the veggies， that's when these little monsters will getcha！ After reading this book， you'll never look at those bearded figures the same way ever again。Written like one of those Prepper in-situ survival guides， this little book has everything you need to equip yourself to deal with the gnomish threat lurking in your neighb You thought those cheesy little gnomes were just cute， harmless， garden ornaments， didn't you？ Well， you thought wrong！ Just when you thought it was safe to go back to weeding the veggies， that's when these little monsters will getcha！ After reading this book， you'll never look at those bearded figures the same way ever again。Written like one of those Prepper in-situ survival guides， this little book has everything you need to equip yourself to deal with the gnomish threat lurking in your neighborhood。I assigned it four stars for all the effort and attention put into it， and a fifth for sheer entertainment points。 。。。more
Marcie
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This needs to be turned into a video game （for combat training of course）。
Cole Kidholm
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I feel I have a better understanding of these tiny adversaries
Kelli
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My daughter got this book for me one Christmas because I love and collect gnomes for my garden。 It’s a cute little book。
Jessica Bellas
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Hilarious， but a few more picture of gnomes would have made it even better ！
Lindsey Rojem
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An entertaining set of instructions。 Could also be used to keep away mice， insects， family members。。。
Peter Topside
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I saw this book online and had to have it。 What a hilarious， innovative and entertaining read。 You'll go through it， not sure whether to laugh or go check your home for possible signs of a hostile gnome invasion。 Every time you see one of these feisty little devils on someone's lawn， you will think of this book！ I saw this book online and had to have it。 What a hilarious， innovative and entertaining read。 You'll go through it， not sure whether to laugh or go check your home for possible signs of a hostile gnome invasion。 Every time you see one of these feisty little devils on someone's lawn， you will think of this book！ 。。。more
Marie
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How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack is a must-have guide for anyone who has a garden gnome in their own or a neighboring yard。 You just never know when they will attack。The introduction really sells the book。 Here's an excerpt from it: Keep reading if you want to live。。。 Fear not。 Now that you know they're planning to strike， you're much safer than you were sixty seconds ago。 The next thing to do is learn everything you can about how to protect yourself， your loved ones， and your residence from How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack is a must-have guide for anyone who has a garden gnome in their own or a neighboring yard。 You just never know when they will attack。The introduction really sells the book。 Here's an excerpt from it: Keep reading if you want to live。。。 Fear not。 Now that you know they're planning to strike， you're much safer than you were sixty seconds ago。 The next thing to do is learn everything you can about how to protect yourself， your loved ones， and your residence from these malicious garden dwellers。。。 If you think you have time to waste， rest assured you do not。 Right this very minute， garden gnomes are conspiring and mobilizing in your neighborhood。 This problem is not going to go away-and never forget that gnomes cannot be domesticated。 This is war。 They want you dead， and they may succeed-unless you're ready。 And if you think it could never happen to you because of who you are or where you live or what you look like， trust me when I tell you that they have you in their sights。 It doesn't matter where you were born or whether you're sixteen or eighty。 These wily warriors are out to exterminate humanity， one gnomeowner at a time。。。。So while nonfiction， it's an 818。 Don't worry: I don't actually believe that garden gnomes can come alive and attack humans。 But for what it sets out to do， it does really well。 I laughed a number of times while reading it， there are really fun full-color photos of gnomes plotting throughout， and there are a perfect amount of gnome puns。 。。。more
Jj Grilliette
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A fun read
Ian
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Just silly， and perhaps it is meant to be。 It's not particularly funny but at least it's a quick read。 Just silly， and perhaps it is meant to be。 It's not particularly funny but at least it's a quick read。 。。。more
Melissa
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I really wanted to like this cute little book。 The title was clever， the concept was clever， and it had really gorgeous photography。 That being said， it was about 80 pages too long for what it was。In this guide to Garden Gnomes， you'll teach yourself how to prepare for an attack。 This includes proper tips for home defense， implements to use， and recognizing the signs that you may have gnomes in your yard or house。 This guide aims to keep you alive from the sinister creatures。It makes for what wo I really wanted to like this cute little book。 The title was clever， the concept was clever， and it had really gorgeous photography。 That being said， it was about 80 pages too long for what it was。In this guide to Garden Gnomes， you'll teach yourself how to prepare for an attack。 This includes proper tips for home defense， implements to use， and recognizing the signs that you may have gnomes in your yard or house。 This guide aims to keep you alive from the sinister creatures。It makes for what would have been a cute article or blog post。 In its current state， it just tries too hard and ends up being entirely too long and drawn out。 It stopped being funny after about the first chapter and then I had trouble slogging through， despite enjoying the pictures。 Maybe if it had been turned into a picture book instead， or children's （if some of the material is toned down a bit） it would have made it a better length or read-through。 But geared at adult's I think it's going to have a limited audience。It's a neat concept， and I like what the author tried to do。 I just think that the execution left a little to be desired。Review by M。 Reynard 2020 。。。more
John Deardurff
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A dad joke that goes on for 107 pages。 A funny premise if you are in the mood for it。 The author uses an Assess， Protect， Defend & Apply strategy to fend of Garden Gnomes。 So let us use the same strategy for this book。Assess: Stopped being funny after 10 pages。Protect: Don't leave book in guest bathroom。Defend: Perfect size to fight small to medium-sized spiders。Apply: Give as a White Horse/Dirty Santa gift at Christmas。 A dad joke that goes on for 107 pages。 A funny premise if you are in the mood for it。 The author uses an Assess， Protect， Defend & Apply strategy to fend of Garden Gnomes。 So let us use the same strategy for this book。Assess: Stopped being funny after 10 pages。Protect: Don't leave book in guest bathroom。Defend: Perfect size to fight small to medium-sized spiders。Apply: Give as a White Horse/Dirty Santa gift at Christmas。 。。。more
Floyd Liff
，
This book just might as well have saved my life。 I have taken all approaches at fortifying my home。 No gnome is going to get me。
Mayda
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Beware。 They’re out there。 And they’re armed。 This delightfully humorous book will amuse and charm you， and yet it definitely could be classified as educational， because， really， you don’t know when those pesky garden gnomes will rise up and attack。 Be wary。 Be ready。 Be prepared。 But in the meantime， enjoy this clever little book。
Miranda Reads
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3。5 stars It ended up being a lot of fun。。。but I wanted a little more pizzazz。 YouTube | Blog | Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | Snapchat @miranda_reads 3。5 stars It ended up being a lot of fun。。。but I wanted a little more pizzazz。 YouTube | Blog | Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | Snapchat @miranda_reads 。。。more
Erin Bee
，
I will take everything I learned into consideration when defending myself against a garden gnome attack。
Carolyn Page
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A farcical manual of self-defense。 It's completely and utterly useless but it will help you pass away an afternoon with chuckles。 A farcical manual of self-defense。 It's completely and utterly useless but it will help you pass away an afternoon with chuckles。 。。。more
Jaden
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